On Emotional Blackmail
So, what is emotional blackmail? “It’s the pulling of heartstrings in a way where the beloved feels that actions must happen, or they must be perceived in a certain light, in order to be worthy of love from those they love, rather than a soul’s existence being the fundamental foundation for that timeless unconditional love and support.”
Interesting conversation with your Mother this morning. We were discussing where a tendency to be shy about some things, to hide certain emotions, or not proactively discuss events sometimes comes from.
She pointed out astutely that often, it stems from pent up pressure from, and fear around people pleasing that uncovers itself in our own journey, some of which is picked up and stays with us from our childhood. The result of internalized shame and guilt for things that are largely out of our control. The pressure and emotional blackmail of adults around us can form patterns that often ought to be reversed, especially related to communication. They are then either alleviated or hardened in adulthood as free will/action is exercised. Sometimes the patterns stem from something much worse than emotional blackmail, that extend far beyond emotional manipulation. Those who experienced early abuse, sexual assault, human trafficking, etc, have it worse. Why the focus on emotional blackmail then? Well, quite simply, its devastatingly effective tool when used on youngins’.
Your Father felt and sometimes still feels this immense pressure alongside the expectations, and is learning to deal with it as he ages and grows. It doesn’t happen overnight. Each adult that helped raise us is a baby in their own right. Often they think they are sincerely protecting us, keeping us safe, when really they are trying to create emotional safety for themselves, at the unknown expense or benefit of children that grow up to be an adult. But what do all kids need, unconditional love. As we learn more about people and the world, we realize that isn’t something unique to me and you. The only unique aspect is what it manifests in us, which is shaped by a multitude of factors and contexts, which includes free will.
Growth requires a deep introspective look into how we grew up and were raised, as well as how/why we are currently operating the way we are, recognizing our privilege, and holding oneself accountable sincerely, repeatedly. I’m tremendously grateful for the privilege afforded to me by family in so many ways. I was able to travel and grow connected to my roots, study whatever I wanted, have a roof over my head, live wherever I needed to, have a full stomach, learn about spirituality, and undergo transformations, which give me an ability to flourish independently. I will do my best to do all this for you and more, but no parent(person) is perfect, even the most loving and caring souls have imperfections that can mutate and transfer to us as we continue to evolve. Our family loves us a lot, that doesn’t take away the fact that growing up in a big family with high expectations, adults can unknowingly look to children to patch the holes in their souls that are inflicted generationally. People attempt to shape us in ways that are concurrent with their worldview and perspectives, subconsciously, however misaligned they may be with our true wants and needs. This is especially the case since we can’t effectively communicate those wants and needs until much later in life. We’re the result of many a projection in more ways than we tend to appreciate.
My promise to you: To never emotionally blackmail you, and to love you unconditionally. To protect you to the best of my ability, but sometimes letting you fall and having your back. You’ll learn better that way in certain instances. To help you communicate your needs and wants in a healthy manner, to learn and appreciate your love language, and to be there for you in a way that is neither overbearing nor ego coddling.
It’s from Allah.
It’s from الله
