Ya Allah

I have broke my fast not with dates and zamzam, but with your remembrance, mixed with the sobs of sorrow. Since I am deemed unfit to be granted that which I so yearn for, in the name of Muhammad please remove the remaining heartbeats that were left for me from the scrolls of fate, and distribute them instead to my family, her, and those she loves, whose memory dances in my chest beyond the day of judgment. For the mind can only ever forget and delete, that which the heart does not play on repeat. And even if I were to be granted Firdaus, without her, it would still feel like Hell. So what’s the point? If there was any good in me you would have accepted these du’as, but now it is clear that there is no good in this heart, maybe it’s never been there from the start. Maybe it’s the play of satan, irrespective of all this, even if you are won’t to forgive me now Allah, then please take me away and let my soul burn for eons if that’s what you chose. In the heat of the fire, my organs scorched to ashes, only to be brought back to life to combust again and again, with the Angels lashing my neck with cerated thorny whips of poisoned ivy, the heat of which exceeds 70 suns. The story will be finished, your justice will never be diminished. I will sing your praises.

Ya Allah, since you are won’t to grant me any respite or answer my prayers of the heart. Please, I beg you, take me away, forgive my sins the size of the mountains, if you wish, end me whichever way pleases you best. For it is only in your hands that life itself rests. It is out of fear of any accidental or further disobedience that I beg on all fours, Lord take me away, crying out such that I have drunk more salted tears than sweet drink each morning and evening, every day.

- Bashir

It’s from الله