Have a Kit-Kat
Once in a while we feel like we need a break from someone, it’s part of the human experience. It doesn’t mean they are or we are undeserving of love in the least. Shit happens, full moon, eclipse, health issues, miscommunication, abrupt changes, feeling misled, confused, evil eye, satan's games, multiple factors play their role, thats besides the point. It can be sad for multiple parties, some more than others, especially in unrequited situations, but it’s sometimes necessary for our own health (mental/emotional) if it is depleted or shaky to an extent, for whatever personal reason - to take time. It can be with anyone for a variety of reasons, it doesn’t mean we don’t love them, sometimes it’s precisely because we do. The more we love the more clarity is often wanted before approaching a situation.
There is something to consider that I’ve witnessed though in the process of healing relationships in numerous situations towards better paths and partnerships, with family, friends, loved ones, employees, almost all. It’s helped me be compassionate in nearly every difficult, complex situation. This may be helpful it may not be, but it’s worth putting out there, even into a void.
When you know that someone has dealt with and is overcoming serious abandonment issues, especially if they shared it with you in a state of vulnerability, using abandonment as a tactic(often subconsciously) to teach them anything only deepens their painful relationship/experience with boundaries, especially if they grew up in an environment where their own were never allowed to be set, enforced, or respected. They may have been taught to and sacrificed them in the name of family, loved ones, responsibility, etc. They may be earlier in their process of overcoming certain traumas whereas we due to unique privilege are further ahead or simply don’t have them to the same degree.
They never forget that you knew about that insecurity deep inside. They never forget that they were vulnerable enough to let you in on that, and you chose a course of action that is pretty devastating. If they love us of course they’ll do their best to understand but it takes effort to strengthen bonds peaceably in a way that they can be vulnerable with us again afterwards, if we really care and want that.
If one views attempting to teach lessons with pain as an added validation to ones human fragility requiring space it has always backfired in my experience. Maybe I should put it this way:
When someone attempts to further validate the decision to need space from anything apart from ones own human fragility which requires it, even internally, for example, leveraging pain of abandonment as a lesson for someone else(who may often have had abandonment issues that they are working through) as if our own humanity isn’t enough or the only reason, it rarely helps.
Of course this doesn’t mean we should change our approach or lessen the importance of our own well being in the name of anyone else, it’s just something worth noting.
With the utmost love,
It’s from الله
